I am not one of those suburban girls. I used to be. I am not a city girl, lest not a real city. I am not a dirty. Not a squatter. Not a nomad, nor a traveler. I am rife with potential. I am powerful. I am directionless. I yearn to pass on from this plane of existing. Whether that is passing from this life, earth or merely situation; I know not. I crave to die. As, ‘death is the only great adventure’. Yet, my adventures could be great here. I feel they have been as of current; truly, I have seen about nothing this world has offered. I have met few, traveled less. Seeing what there is to see sounds lovely. Yet never has a desire existed in me to experience it first hand. There are things I would adore to experience; other handedly many I find hold no interest. For saying’s sake: one day would relish to hang-glide, but no desire ever to jump out of a plane with a chute. The later sounds uninteresting, the former, !.
My power is BECAUSE. There is THE Power. I am from the pool the Power feeds.
My voice is naught. It is my mouth that opens to the Divine, from the Divine I speak. Again, it is my desire to not be auto corrected by the machines. I desire a “little” I in reference to “me”. That is, until the upper case need be employed. I have informed and programmed my machine to heed this. I now may say i when i please.
The Divine has been as “long” as there is to be. The Divine enters into equal partnerships. Upon learning this last, I began my (i) journey. We , together, have sought the Divine. We have begun to transform; we recognize the cycle and it’s ultimate necessity. The Divine has courted me all of my (Gregorian) 28 anos.
I just learned the word Proleptic or prolepsis. Defined as: the anticipation of possible objections in order to answer them in advance. 2. The assigning of a person earlier than the actual one, the representation of something in the future as if it has already occurred. Prochronism. 3. Use of a descriptive word in anticipation of its becoming applicable 4. A fundamental conception or assumption in Epicureanism or Stoicism arising spontaneously in the mind without conscious reflection; thought provoked by sense perception. Rooted in late latin circa 1570-1580: to anticipate, preconception
Epicureanism: the philosophical system or doctrine of Epicurus, holding that the external world is a series of fortuitous combinations of atoms, that the highest good is pleasure, interpreted as freedom from disturbance or pain
Stoicism: a systematic philosophy, dating from around 300bc held the principles of logical thought to reflect a cosmic reason instantiated in nature. Repression of emotion and indifference to pleasure or pain. Synonyms: see patience!
Also learned paroxysm: any sudden violent outburst, a fit of violent action or emotion à paroxysms of rage. 2. A severe attack or a sudden increase in intensity of a disease, usually recurring periodically.
The DIVINE has courted, pursued, demanded my attentions. In Love has nagged and accounted for my head space; My heart, belonging undeniably. The Divine being the only pursuant of my attentions and affections, both. The occasional other has pursued on a slight incline, yet it has just been more of a tangible example of the Divine speaking more audibly. The term Lord i find provincial and masculine. I feel the beauty of the Divine flows in said moniker. The name YHWH has no pronounce and therefore i only inherently know it. Sex <in the realm of gender> holds neuter bearing on the Divine. A “third” of sorts, nay androgyny. Goddess being a lovely notion, speaks of goddesses of lore. These that are myth, legend; these that have walked and lived. This feminine ‘mother’ power, the cultivator of life on the tangible planet. The Lord being none such being. Lord insinuating in my mind a master, cruel and antiquated in His tyranny. The zero point field where the Power lay, being the “mind of God” as coined by our scientists as given breathe to these biofeedback machines. Have we conceived them with thought? Life a gift of circumstance by our Divinity? The warrior’s path Ii am on was preordained to be undertaken me by my Divine. Yet it is i that choose @ the forks. My journey a dichotomy of control. How! Ii love this time. This TIME. My 28 years of time as i recall all of the life i remember as my time.
Ii= my marriage of Self to self.
MY UTMOST GRATUITY!! Blessed be that which IS! Gratuity for attentions and directions. Gratuity for interactions and action! Gratuity for the space that man labels: Time.
The question has arisen of lifetimes. New and old souls. Have I lived before? I definitively know that i have not. But have I? difference being only in “case”. Each and every other has. These others referring to ones i’ve learned from and by. They all claim, memories and knowances of “other”, alien to them and their experience in this time. I have no such memory. I recognize no such experience.
Much has gone before I. understanding without knowledge is my desire. Knowing i trust the Divine to program. The things I am to know, I trust, i’ll learn. Understanding being proleptic creates parameters of divine spirituality. A lower case for divine in this past sentence as to not name the Power, but to set as an adjective in It’s name.
Am i to write? Am i to sing, but to rejoice? Am i to dance but to worship?
As to action: there is correct and there is ego. I trust that action is undertaken only after prolepsis and actualized only in accordance with Divine orchestration.
In these musings; we pray. Amen.
Winter solstice. First observed by lower case. Blessed be the return of the SUN/SON.
I sing karaoke. I sing like a mad banshee. I know mine own voice. This day I knew better than to try a toughie… that devil in an angel costume on my shoulder talked me into it. By allowing me to believe in the evolution of my own sound. My voice broke. I murdered a song that I not only adore but have been working on incessantly. I have the wicked sads for my disrespect and ill refute.
that’s all i know. and it is enough. you know how you can meet someone? i have met someone before. i knew right away that he was for me. he was red. well ginger. he was LOVE to me. he and i had this passionate affair. we lived together and loved. we still very much love, however with much more distance. tonight i met a different color version of him. and i loved him again. he was charming, witty and lovely. as the last. however in a new time space, in a new life and him being new…
his name is joe.
he sings like an angel.
my sister got married. she has longed for this for quite some time. i noticed a new peace about her when she is with him. i sensed as though she was calm as she watched her life begin. this new life.
my life has been going all this time. i can’t say as i long for anything. any one thing to change or happen. things happen. i want them to. and i have that peace. actually the only thing i can ever remember wanting is that peace.
i must have arrived at my destination.
these days i work for a local (nor cal) family farm. been in the biz of organic farming since ‘76. we do a home delivery service of hyper fresh produce. i am a professional talker for the farm. the front line assembly, if you will. i am the soldier that is first shot. i door bell ditch all the sunshine away each day to set households up with our fantastic service. save money. eat fresh local high quality foods. i have become quite the rabbit, snacking on greens throughout the day. an orange to satiate. We are a powerhouse of a CSA. showing families how easy it is to eat local and well, all within a budget. i love this job. i love my team. i have founded true friendships and feel so welcomed as part of the family.
i love to love my work. it no longer is work.
someone, frankly, called this: andy warhol assfucking basquiat while he was on a heroine binge.
damn if i am naught sew bored of being originally boring.
thanks to andrew novick for the ok promotional materials… you rock!
